i used to drown in an ocean of emptiness before you found me.
first you were my life jacket, barely keeping my head above the waves. every time i’d go under, you would drag me up and i could take another aching gasping breath. you kept me from drowning.
then slowly, ever so slowly, you became a raft. you dragged me on and dried me off, held me just above the waves. but sometimes a bigger wave would come, and it would crash over my head and wash me off the raft, away from you. sometimes it would drag you under too. but you could float while i was drowning. and then you reached out to me and pulled me up again, back up out of the sea.
ever so slowly, so slowly i never noticed until it mattered, you became my boat. you sheltered me from the bigger waves, and we could ride over them together. i was dry and warm and not really afraid of the ocean any more. i knew that you wouldn’t let yourself sink, not now that i was on board, not now that i depended on you.
then one day you docked at a little wooden jetty on an abandoned beach. i felt sand beneath my feet, and you walked with me a glorious while. you held my hand, and i was safe. we watched the ocean from a distance and i had no fear, none at all. it couldn’t touch me now. you were here.
and now i realise that it all matters to me, every single second, but it still pales in comparison. you see, at some point in that journey, that survival, you taught me something of ridiculous importance.
see, you taught me to swim.
you may not always be by my side to save me from myself. but now, because of you, i can keep myself alive, i can get to safety. and somehow you’ll know that i saved myself because of you, because you showed me how.
i don’t know how to tell you thanks, to show you gratitude.
so just know that i love you. and just maybe, one day i’ll be able to save you in return.
i wonder where the concept of reality came from? where was the line drawn between fantasy and life, and can i step over it? no, not step. i want to jump over it, with both feet tucked under me, like children jumping in puddles. i want to wake up within my subconscious and play out the mysteries i find there.